Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Book Mark

So I had this great idea to write a book that, unlike the first one which was just a collection of posts, started from scratch. I have this vision of modeling it after the Bible and calling it "The Word of Dad". ... too blasphomous? Anyway, I thought it would be a guide for other dads and each chapter would sort of draw inspiriation from a book of the Bible, ie. Genesis is the pregnancy, Exodus the birth, Numbers the finances - all the way to Revelations, which would involve a collection of thoughts accumulated through this experience called parenting. So I wrote out a rough version of the Genesis chapter and I thought I'd run it by you and gather some thoughts. Is this worth continuing; any ideas on what to refine or what direction to go from here? Am I going to hell? Whatever you think, let me know.


In the beginning, you were probably drunk. Now the womb was formless and empty, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of booze was hovering over you both.

And she said “Let’s get it on,” and you said, “well, alright!” And the lightness entered the dark. And the light was called “you” and the dark was called “her”. And this was the meeting on the first day; although it most likely occurred at night time because you both work for a living and “GLEE” was a rerun.

And the “you” found the “her” in the darkness and became one, now known as the “it”, because “your” sounds possessive and “hou” sounds Chinese. So the “it” began a rapid cell division to officially become a “zygote”, but only briefly – quiet possibly because it sounds like a futuristic livestock animal and preferred to be categorized differently – thus making its way to “embryo” hood. And it was good. And this was the first month.

And in the second month, the stomach separated from the genitals. And this too, was good. For the two should never remain conjoined for fear of literally making love to a cheeseburger in “it’s” early teens. And the eyelids formed and the tongue. And the limbs stretched and the “it” looked less like a tadpole and more like an alien in a bad science fiction movie. And it was good. And the heart began beating, and this was really good.

And the “her” began noticing that something was missing; though she wasn’t sure what. Perhaps she left the oven on, or forgot to call her great aunt on her birthday. Who knows! Maybe it will come to her later. Right now she’s late for yoga and it’s not a big deal.

And the “embryo” is now a fetus, and it was good. This was the second month.

And in the third month the tail disappeared, which was great because no one wants a kid with a tail. Unless you’re in the circus business, in which case this might be something of a desired feature. I’m not in the circus business, so know this I doth not. Although I have ventured to a circus or two in my day and see a child with tail I cannot recall. Thus I believe it may prove a money maker.

And the fingers were formed, in this, the third month. And the tiny fists began to clench, quite possibly in rage, and yet equally possible that the “it” was simply practicing for a roe, sham, bo tournament; though paper and scissors still needed some work.

And though the “you”, the “her” and the “it” have no clue, the gender of the “it” is starting to show. So the “you” will have need either to buy a weapon or increase your insurance coverage for the “it”, pending this discovery. If weapon be your need, you have some 15 years to determine how to use it. If insurance be your savior. … get a lot. Also, put the fire department on speed dial.

“Her” has by now realized what’s going on. And though she may not have shared the information with you – because let’s face it, you’re a man and whatever you say in response will be the wrong thing – she has shared it with her best friend, her sister and, most likely, her mother. And she is freaking out; and this is good. Well. … it’s not “good” good, but it’s good for the overall process.

And she is likely nauseous. And you will hold her hair, and she will vomit. And you will rub her feet. And she will moan. And you will hold a stick that she has peed on and think “F@#K Me!” And it is good.

And you will do outrageous math equations in your head. And you will forget that you have to factor in 18 years of increases when you calculate the cost of college. And you will plan for the “it” to be a sports star and get a scholarship, rather than think about them being a genius and getting an academic scholarship, because you are a man, and that is ok.

And you will likely have your first visit to the doctor. And if you are a good man then you will go. And that will be good. If not. … you’re kind of a dick. But that’s my opinion. And you will see and/or hear a heart beat (while simultaneously feeling yours about to beat out of your chest). And it will all be good. For that heartbeat will calm yours. And love will swell. And pride will swell. And your tongue will swell and you will choke slightly, playing it off as a cough, because now it’s real. Not that it wasn’t real before; but now it’s really real. Like, really.

And the fetus is now “your baby”. And you will say, “that this is good.” This was the third month.

And in the fourth month, the ears heard. So watch your damn mouth. And the legs kicked, and the “her”, if she’s able to feel it, thought this cute; and the “you” thought “just wait 5 more months.” But say it you did not, for you are not totally stupid.

And the organs finished their development, and the “it” looks more like a wrinkly old man, which is why “it” stays inside for another 5 months to get cuter. Because that cuteness will come in handy at 3:30AM on some dateless Wednesday; a time when an ugly baby would be left for the wolves in prehistoric ages. But your baby will be cute, and this is good.

And you’ve now told everyone you know, including the UPS man who comes by your office in the afternoons, the woman who takes your frozen yogurt order and the man who is fixing your cable. And it is good. For pride in self is sin, but pride in child is just being a good dad.

And the “her” is starting to feel some good hormones. Hormones that might make her want your light to enter her dark again. And this is good. This is really, really good. And you will feel trepidation that your light might injure your baby, but relax stud; for thine ego is bigger than the rest of you. No damage shall befall your offspring. For your light, even at its brightest, is still several watts short of reaching that part of her dark.

And thus the fourth month came to an end. And it was good.

In the fifth month the naked form of the “it”, whom hopefully you’ve now determined to be of one of two genders (if “it” is of a third gender then, good luck with that) has brought forth hair. Eye lashes, eye brows, and an ungodly amount of body hair for a baby. And the body hair He called lanugo, possibly for the sheer joy of saying such a silly word. And it was good.

And in this month “it” gained its first pound. For the rest of eternity “it” will battle to rid itself of such accomplishments. “Her” has also gained one pound. … or forty. And thou shall never admit to noticing. This is my commandment unto you. And that is good.

Thou shalt also go forth and acquire 20 books of which you will never read in order to prepare for that which cannot be prepared for. Purchase thou “What to expect”, and know to expect the unexpected when expecting, except when required to be accepting of all things. For this is thy destiny. Thus sayeth me. Of course, read this book. That is a given, right. Assumably you’ve already started and that’s how such conversation is now taking place. If not, I accept that I am talking to myself. And that is good.

In the sixth month God created the breasts. Your days of custody are limited so enjoy them now. To make amends, and say farewell, they’ve increased in size. And you’ve noticed. And they were good.

“Her” has received more of thine favorite hormones. And this is good. Enjoy, for this too, shall pass.

“It” has hopefully been named; unless you’ve chosen the name “It” which carries the meaning “thing previously mentioned”. An alternative meaning used by the gentiles is “Information Technology”. Please, do not name “it” “It”. That is not good.

In the seventh month, you saw that all was well and you rested. This was the last time you experienced such a thing.

“It” began opening its eyes and movement of feet and hands increased. “Eye of the Tiger” would the soundtrack of choice if you were “it” and had any sense of movie montages. For “it’s the eye of tiger; it’s the thrill of the fight; rising up to the challenge of our rival. And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night and he’s watching us all with the eye. … Of the tiger.”

In the darkness, taste buds first developed. Salty, probably; with a hint of lime. And it was good.

“Her” has returned to freaking out. Be cautions of what thou sayeth and tread lightly. And in this time the “her” has separated the “your’s” from the “it’s” and a new room was born: the nursery. In all its glory and beauty; its fresh paint and untainted textiles; take thou photographic evidence, for it shall never look this way again. By years’ end it will smell of old milk and shit. And it will look much the same. If thou hast raised a puppy, imagine what a puppy would do with opposable thumbs. Now add brains, and remove potty training. Enjoy thy sentence, father.

And the clouds part, and the sun shines, and gifts rain down in the coming showers of babies. Free stuff that will last you 2 months. 137 outfits for an infant that will outgrow them in 50 days. Ask for diapers. That is good.

In the eighth month the stress is all but peaked. The day is not far and you know not what the “f” you are going to do with “it”. “Her” will suggest some sort of class. This is good. Go. Listen. Learn. Eat not of the fruit of stupidity. A stupid man guesses. Eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Learn from the idiot who came before you and guessed wrong.

“It” has now begun to look like a baby. Fingernails have formed to scratch thine eyes and the brain has increased so by the time “it” is 13 “it” will be smarter than you. Fear not, for by the age of 30 they are dumb enough to need your help again. And this is good.

Tell “her” that she is a thing of beauty. For this is true. Forget not these words: You did this to her -you did this to her you bastard. For this is true, and she will tell you. Build thyself up now through good deeds and compliments, for you shall fall greatly in a month or two.

And this was the eight month, and it was good.

In this, the ninth and final month, thine child flips for arrival. You too, are processing a flip, albeit out, and “her” is eerily calm. The fatty layers develop on “it” and the skin has colored in. While a translucent child would be awesome, it would easily be lost in a crowd. No one wants to fill out a police report searching for an invisible, lost child. That will render one into an institution. Which is, oddly, where most parents feel they belong after parenthood?

Thine deathtrap of a home is now proofed for baby. No longer can you access a toilet without combination, nor locate 409 without lock pick. Stairs are accessible from neither top nor bottom, and your dog has had his teeth capped. And this is good.

You shall feel nerves. You shall feel fear. You shall feel above all else, however, the purity of the feeling of love. This is not the “I do” love you spake to “her”, nor is it the love you felt for thine own parents. This is the love of eternity. The love of life. The love that knows no bounds.

And when that day finally comes, know this: it will all be good. Thus sayeth the Lord.


  1. I say go for it. It's silly and cute! A little blasphemous, sure, but there's a market for that sort of thing. :)

  2. this is hilarious. i will be impressed if you come up with something for EVERY book of the Bible... there are maybe a few I would skip. 73 is quite a few. Or you can go with the protestant 66. That is 7 less chapters to write...