Monday, October 24, 2011

40 Counts of Goldfish Murder. ....

The big "2" was celebrated in full blown Elmo style on Saturday, and we learned quite a few things as a result.  Number one is you should never let the rented pony walk up and down your neighbors lawn after they've obviously over watered it the night before (looks like a used polo field now).  Two is that you can't put goats close to anything remotely green or they will eat it. ... I didn't know they could reach the palm tree fronds. ... but the can.  They will also eat your toddlers dress, and when you pull it out it's stained green.  Three: you can fit 22 Mylar Elmo balloons in a 4Runner. ... 23 might be too many.  Four: "too much birthday" occurs at exactly 8:15pm.  Five: someone is always bound to lose the invitation and show up at 12 instead of 3.  Six: someone else is bound to lose the invitation and spend 45 minutes driving in circles convinced they can just "stumble upon the house".  Seven: people expect a 2 year old to wear 2T. ... that's not necessarily how it works.  Eight: If you work really hard and make the cupcakes/cake too pretty, people will hesitate to eat it (I guess that's why so few people have attempted to eat the Mona Lisa).  Nine: when singing "happy birthday" to twins. ... figure our the order of the names prior to starting the song.  Otherwise it just sounds like "happy birthday dear AGreniannievea". And finally, the greatest lesson of all... buying goldfish from the pet store gets you labeled a murderer. ... so I'm now considered a goldfish serial killer.  Back story: because we were doing the Elmo themed birthday we came up with this great idea of sending the kids home with a goldfish (Elmo's pet Dorothy is a goldfish) instead of the usual candy or toys.  So we bought 40 fish and stuck them in this 4 foot tall glass cylinder and had people guess how many fish were in there for a prize - then they each got a little goldfish bowl and a fish to take home with them.  Well my mom got stuck with the task of acquiring the fish and the folks at Petsmart told her that we were committing 40 acts of murder because we were buying these fish to give away as pets.  Apparently goldfish aren't meant to live in small bowls. ... so why do we call small bowls goldfish bowls?  Because of this fact, each of these fish would likely be dead with in a week, and the blood would be on our hands.  First of all, I'm ok with fish blood on my hands. ... I'm a regular at the sushi joint down the street.  Second off. ... what the hell are goldfish for then?!  According to Petsmart, they are only intended for use as feeder fish. ... say what?!  So buying them as pets and having them die in a week is not ok, but buying them as food and having some snake, turtle or frog devourer them this afternoon. ... that's cool?!!!  Try this on for size - I'm not murdering them, I'm extending their life by said week.  Ask any rational person (and they can't be a member of PETA) if they'd rather live for one more week or be eaten by a shark today and they're going to tell you "screw the food chain, I want one more week". ... I believe the fish would agree with me.  Plus, at least 20 of those fish were extras and are now swimming in the pond out back where they will probably live for several years (just like the other gold fish that have been back there). ... so suck it Petsmart!  Needless to say, I'm not allowed at Petsmart any more.

1 comment:

  1. More people should read your blog. It's hilarious! I think I will Tweet about you and stuff. Goldfish life extenders should be applauded:). Seriously, this blog post made me laugh. Like loud enough that my husband actually came to see what I was laughing at. Never happens. Ever. He wandered away almost immediately since I was doing some "blogging thing" but whatever.