Thursday, March 18, 2010

How to Stop Time

First of all Happy St. Patrick's Day. Now to today's blog:
For eternity man has been looking to stop or slow the process of time. Ponce de Leon sought the Fountain of Youth, Einstein thought about moving faster than light, Joan Rivers replaced her flesh with plastic. All have tried, all have failed. But I have discovered the secret. Well, that's not fair - I have been shown the secret which many others before me have known. Gina and I have been welcomed into a fraternity of others who have experienced the slowing, and sometimes the total stoppage, of time. This fraternity may go by many names but I call it "the Screamgoodnightie". These are parents who've attempted the "let your child cream themselves to sleep" method. We've attempted this once or twice in the past few months, but it's always been in the middle of the night when one of the girls had woken up and would not go back to sleep. This was the first time we've tried it with both girls and at the beginning of bed time. I can't tell you what was in the air, but both girls were fit to be tied by their 8 o'clock bed time last night. Genevieve woke up from her evening nap in a foul mood. I had to drag her from her nap at 6 and she just cried with her eyes closed until 7 - me shoveling rice cereal into her mouth every time she opened her mouth. After that she just had a scowl on her face until bed time and then went back into the same fussy mood she'd been in earlier. Arianna was the opposite, she was just all giggles, which taught me a new math lesson. (Giggles + bed time) x (tired/unaware) = angry, screamy baby. So Gina and I finally decided that maybe this was our opportunity to try the scream it out thing. Girls were fed, dry and tucked in. Both were awake, so there was no threat of them waking each other up. It was still early in the night so we wouldn't have to lay in bed, exhausted and listen to the screams (we could just turn up the TV and eat dinner). So we agreed - we'll give it 15 minutes and see what happens. I started checking the clock approximately 45 seconds into the first minute. I swear that was the longest period of time in my life. Longer than my first oral book report in elementary school, longer than my wait for results from the mini bar, longer than the pause after I asked Gina to marry me. That 15 minutes went on for about 12 years. In fact, we didn't even make it to the full 15. I started standing by the door at 10 minutes and Gina finally gave in at 13. The worst/most confusing part of it: we scooped up the girls (Gina had Genevieve and I had Arianna) and they were passed out with in 8 minutes. So know I'm trying to figure out another math problem - if we gave them 13 minutes and they fell asleep 8 minutes later would 21 minutes have been the magic time to wait? Or if the 8 minutes of us holding is equivalent to hypothetical (x) amount of time necessary to fall asleep than does 13+(8/x)= 21*x? If so. ... what the hell is x?!!! They told me math would one day be relevant to life in the real world. ... they were finally right. Anyway, heck of a way to spend St. Patrick's day. Used to only have to multiply the number of beers by the price per pint and then divide by who was in the best shape to drive. My how the times have changed.

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