Monday, July 11, 2011

$h!t. ...

For my non-literary friends out there, let me give a fine example of the device called foreshadow.  This is a moment in a storyline when a rather mundane event occurs and only later, after a more significant event comes about, do you realize that the earlier event alluded to the big event that came later.  Kind of like a fortune teller.  Well the fact that we started yesterday off shopping for an Elmo potty to kick this potty training thing into high gear was a wonderful foreshadow that our day would end with everything covered in shit.  And I mean everything.  The girls were napping at Yiayia's house - we'd spent the day shopping with their Thea and brought her home just as nap time hit us so we put them down there and Gina and I went and did a little more shopping (St. Lucia is only 5 days away after all).  They woke up and I changed their butts and sent them off to mom for a snack.  Now we rarely ever need a diaper change between the "after nap" change and bath time. ... like 1 in 100 times.  Well, Arianna's been dealing with constipation lately (can't wait till she's 16 and realizes I told the whole world about her poop) so, of course, she finally got this little nugget out about 5 minutes after I changed her.  Normally I'd just take out the nug and save the diaper, but it was smashed in there and I wasn't going to do that to her.  It was only after I got the old diaper off and wadded up that I realized, we were out of diapers.  Like I said, we have our diaper math down and planned to the "t".  We'd used a couple extra at the mall after the girls downed some apple juice, so our reserves were gone.  Fortunately we were still at Yiayia's and she keeps an extra stash there, so no problem. .... or so I thought.  We'd had a really wonderful weekend, and I wasn't ready to end it so I suggested we go out to dinner rather then head home.  After burgers at Islands, they were doing great so I pushed it a little more - let's head across the street and get some yogurt!  Hooray!!!!  The time bomb was ticking.  The girls and I got yogurt while Gina waited to take some home since she was full.  Isn't it amazing how pregnant women can be so hungry and then get so full so quickly?!!  So we finished up and Gina headed inside to get hers to go.  The girls were running around being all charming when Arianna suddenly froze and struck the "I'm pooping pose".  This is where she bunches her neck up like a turtle trying to go into its shell, sticks her arms out to brace against a nearby object and then shakes a little while turning red.  I hate seeing this pose because I feel so bad for her.  Just as she releases Gina walks out of the door next to her and makes this "Dear God" face.  Then, in the middle of the crowded courtyard she let's out a "who pooped?!!"  So now we have to leave because even if anyone didn't catch a sampling of the smell, they officially know that one of the two kids has pooped.  We head back to the car to change it out and get home when it suddenly dawns on us that we still have no diapers.  I'm not about to let her sit in this mess all the way home (for her sake and the sake of the car seat) so we quickly McGuiver a solution using one of Gina's yoga towels floating around the car and her shorts.  I rush to the opposite end of the parking lot (where the closed shops are) to throw away the devils diaper - seriously, it was pure evil in that thing - and we quickly got on our way.  The thing about parenting that no one tells you is that after changing a diaper like that the smell doesn't come off of your hands with out napalm.  So the whole way home I'm trying not to smell my fingers and then dry heaving when I catch myself subconsciously running my fingers through my hair.  I'm trying to maintain the speed limit but also dealing with the fact that there's a kid with diarrhea in the back who's only wearing a gym towel and could go off again at any moment.  I try to lighten the mood by making jokes like "brings a whole new meaning to the term Namaste!"  and "well hon, guess you can only use that towel for shitvazinah now". ... the yoga people out there get it.  We park at home, rush in and I immediately start the bath while Gina untowels.  It's only 30 seconds later that I hear the shriek.  This is the cry of a person who realizes that the worst was not behind them.  You see, in the panic that surrounded the incident outside the yogurt shop, no one thought to check and see if Genevieve was packing as well.  We've now discovered that she was and the device has exploded everywhere.  Not sure how Gina didn't notice it when she got her out of the car, but we now know that the poop smell permeating all the way home wasn't in our imaginations or just on our fingers.  So while Gina bathed the two of them I got the lovely task of cleaning the car seat, which fortunately is pink with brown accent marks.  The night did end on a positive however, as Arianna used the Elmo potty we'd bought earlier.  Of course this signifies only the beginning of moments like this; won't be the last time I hose down a car seat in the twilight hours of a Sunday evening.

No comments:

Post a Comment