Thursday, July 30, 2015

Why Mommy Doesn't Blog

Let me begin by stating this is not my story.  This is the story of my wife who does not blog and, if anything, is meant to show you that I'm not the only one who survives some of these parenting fiasco's.  I just blog about them to make myself feel better. ... she prefers Pinot Grigio.

Last Friday my beautiful wife of 9 years, mother of my 4 children, decided it was necessary that Costco be conquered that day.  She loaded the troops and headed off with a brilliant plan of attack.  She would feed them, stuff them with ice cream and then rush the aisles quickly before the food coma wore off.  This is why I don't make plans.

She got in line with the baby for the hot dogs outside of Costco.  She sat the three big girls at a table and told them to stay right there where she could see them while she ordered.  She repeated to Rosaline - STAY.

Not thirty seconds go by when she feels a clammy hand wrap around her thigh.  She looks down to see Rosaline beaming up at her.  "I told you to stay with your sisters," she says.  "I just wanted to tell you I love you," came the reply.  Gina points and she trudges back.

Perhaps another minute passes before she catches a mop of curly blond hair out of the corner of her eye. "I love you Mama!' Rosaline screams as she high tails it back to the table.

A beat of a butterflies wing later she's back again, only this time she's not even sure why.  So Gina lost her patience, as all great mothers do. No ice cream for you.  Mount Vesuvius erupts.  Now she's trying to order hot dogs, twins at the table perplexed, Rosaline full tantrum mode on the ground, the world watching.

Somehow they survive the dogs and, as promised, the twins get ice cream to follow and Rosaline does not.  By this point she's reduced to a stuttering whimper but the baby is now hungry as well.  She rounds them up, back to the car to eat their ice cream and feed this baby.

Twins are in the way back enjoying their dessert, baby is latched in the front with Mama and Rosaline is in the middle seats, plotting her revenge.  She notices Arianna is buckled but the car is not moving; she's found her chance.  Rosaline jumps up and leaps into the back to force Arianna to unbuckle her seat belt.  In the melee that proceeds, the buckle is indeed disengaged, it coils back, hits Arianna's ice cream and Jackson Pollacks the car in frozen confection.

Now Arianna is screaming, this of course causes Gina to turn and baby to become detached mid stream.  So now breast milk is spouting like a ruptured sprinkler head all over the car, Arianna is hysterical, Gina screaming behind her grabbing at childless air, Rosaline cowering, and Genevieve peacefully enjoying her ice cream pretending she's adopted.

Somehow they still made it through Costco and got everything from the list.  Even a magnum of Kirkland Pinot Grigio.

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