Thursday, June 10, 2010

Dad's don't know $h!t about earings

I found my kryptonite. My Achilles Heel. The weak spot in my armor. Earrings. Decorative items worn by women. They are my ruin. Allow me to explain. After Gina had left for class last night, we were in the process of finishing up our dinner. We made our way through avocado, sweet potato, bread and a little homemade yogurt with pears. Literally 2 bites away from completion Arianna gets a look on her face. Before I could ask "what's wrong" the child from the Exorcist showed up and a fire hose of avocado colored, homemade yogurt textured and sweet potato spotted discharge spewed from the mouth of my 7 month old. Three separate heaves in total, each more voluminous then the last. The floor was covered, my child was covered, I was covered. I sat for what seemed like minutes in total shock (Genevieve laughing in the background) until I snapped too. I unbuckled her from her high chair - no way to avoid plunging my hands into the pile to find the buckles, that was lovely - and rushed her to the sink. Karma followed in hot pursuit trying to clean the floor like it was mana from above. I got her shorts off, and was working on the shirt - now I can't tell you why but I was trying to avoid getting it in her hair. As Gina scolded me later, she needed a bath anyway after that why would you care if it's in her hair at this point?! I don't know. I'm a guy. We don't think, we do. 20,000 Nazi's over that hill? Charge! What's this button do? Push it! I won a hand of blackjack? Let it ride! So as I'm navigating the shirt over her head I feel tension, release and then hear the god awful sound of metal dropping. Arianna starts to wail, I get the shirt over her melon and. ... only one earring. A trace of blood where the other was. Oh. ... dear. ... god. Now I've never had my ears pierced. Never studied up on earrings. Wasn't even there when my girls got theirs done. I've only picked up small amounts of info, like you have to clean them and turn them twice a day. You can't leave them out cause the holes can close. They shouldn't be swallowed - stuff like that. But the details are missing. In the moment, I'm operating under the impression that they close up in like 30 seconds. I'm freaking out. I'm now holding a naked baby, covered in puke, on my hands and knees looking for a small gold flower earring with rainbow petals. Where's the security video footage of this. I find the earring next to the dog bowl, but the back is no where to be found- now I have visions of Karma scarfing her food and a backing. I'm sifting through dog food with my free hand, earring in my mouth trying not to swallow - that rule was important to remember. I can't find it, but I'm totally afraid of this hole closing up. I run to the couch, steralize my hands and the earring, go to push it through the hole and the back pops off. ... it was stuck to the back of her earlobe the whole freakin' time. So I get the back, sterilize it, get the earring through the hole, Arianna wipes her head to the side and the earring goes flying. Now I've got the back in my mouth, naked vomit baby in one arm, on my hands and knees trying to grab an earring from beneath the entertainment stand. Back and forth like this. Lose earring, find earring, drop back, find back. I must have resterilized everything a dozen times. The problem was that I didn't know you had to push really hard to get those things in. I'm afraid too much force and I'll ripe her ear off. I'd rather have a cool '90's baby with one earring then a Van Gogh baby. But, somehow, I finally snapped the damn thing in. Drenched in sweat, covered in vomit and Genevieve still sitting in her highchair, laughing away.

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